Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a woman of many phases. I have explored many fads, religions, styles, diets, music genres, occupations and beliefs. My phases run the gamut. I've been into Wicca, buhddism and Christianity. I was a dead head, a metal head, country lover, pop diva and rock n roller. I was a real estate agent, an adult toy distributor, a skincare consultant, jewelry maker, clothing maker, a bartender and a karaoke Dj. I was a vegetarian, dairy free, fat free, gluten free, and sugar free. I've tried it all and I've enjoyed it all. Often times my phases grow into obsessions. As I get older I'm starting to enjoy spending my spare time on weird obsessions and I'm thinking "this is interesting enough to share". So now I am a "blogger".
With that welcome to my newest obsession. My journey of seeking out the dead.
Tortured Souls 101 - How it all started
I've always had a fascination with tortured souls - -particularly self destructive tortured souls. It started back in 1986 when I was a freshman in High School at the Philadelphia HS for Creative and Performing Arts (CAPA). We were given an assignment in English class to read the biography of someone we admire and then tell their story in an interview with the teacher. I told my mom about the assignment and she (I guess knowing me all too well) went out and bought a book that changed my life. It was called “And I don’t want to live this life.” It was a mother’s story of her daughter’s murder. The book was about Nancy Spungen written by Deborah Spungen. Nancy was the girlfriend of Punk Rocker Sid Vicious of the band the Sex Pistols. I can't explain why but I became obsessed with Nancy Spungen. I did as much research as I could at the time. We didn’t have Google back then. I went to the library and found old articles and news stories on Nancy, Sid and the Sex Pistols. My Aunt Eileen told me she met Nancy Spungen while living in NYC. I was so jealous. My Aunt met a lot of famous people - - particularly rock stars. It wasn't that I "admired" Nancy; I just became fascinated with her story. She was a tormented soul on a life long (short life) mission to numb her pain.
My first cemetery
Fast Forward to College - - The Community College of Philadelphia. My major was radio, television and film. I loved college. My classes were so fun and I loved being in center city. I was getting served at bars down there and I met a lot of cool interesting people. My History professor scheduled a class trip to Laurel Hill Cemetery. I thought it was so weird that we had to go to a cemetery. I didn't want to go at all. I had better things to do. I was creeped out by cemeteries and dead people and the whole thing just sounded silly. I really liked my teacher though so I went on the trip. Well I'll be dipped in shit! This ended up being another life changing experience for me. Before this trip I didn't appreciate history. I thought it was boring. I just wanted to party and take my fun photography and film classes.
I never would have thought I’d be so taken by a cemetery. I learned so much on my first trip to this place. It was breath taking and full of so much interesting history. Laurel Hill is a National Historic Landmark. It is 78 acres of beautiful mausoleums, obelisks, monuments and sculptures. I saw many familiar names including local businessmen like Strawbridge, Rittenhouse and Widener. I saw the same names of many of the streets in Philadelphia. There are prominent civil war heroes including General Meade as well as 6 Titanic passengers. My whole perspective on history changed. I felt connected to these people. I wanted to know more about their stories. I loved the cemetery so much I went back several times. People thought it was weird to visit a cemetery where none of my loved ones are laid to rest. I took my friends and family members there and they fell in love with the place too.
My Latest Obsession - "A Thing of Beauty'
It was a Saturday night in April 2012 around 11:00 PM and I was lying in bed surfing through the channels on TV looking for something to fall asleep to. I come across the movie “Gia” starring Angelina Jolie. It was the end of the movie. There was only maybe 30 minutes left. I came in during a scene where ‘Gia’ was shooting her last Cosmo cover. This strung out beauty was sitting on the floor in a gown getting prepped for the shoot. She was pretty out of it and she was holding a pocket knife. A set assistant gently took the knife from her hand. Gia freaked out and started crying and said “you don’t take somebody’s knife.” I never saw this movie before. I was immediately captivated by this tormented soul. I watched the rest of the movie then went right to Google and typed GIA - - and started reading and reading and reading. I couldn’t stop. I truly became obsessed. I couldn’t believe Gia was from Philly. I’m from Philly and I didn’t know this? How could I have missed this? The first Super Model and coolest most beautiful chick ever; grew up in a house in the same neighborhood where my Sister, Brother and Aunt Marge all live now. She went to Lincoln High School right across the street from my Cousin Angie’s house. She hung out in Center City on South Street and places like the Black Banana where my Aunt Eileen hung out. I was at the Black Banana 15 years ago. Did I sit at the same spot at the bar where Gia once sat? Gia was first discovered while dancing at the DCA club in the “gayborhood” in Center City. That club is now called the 2/4 Club. I frequented that club in my late twenties and early thirties. I definitely danced on the same dance floor where Gia used to dance. I spent days reading about her. Of course I got the HBO movie the next day. I had to see it from the beginning - - and I purchased everything I could find on the internet pertaining to Gia Carangi.
I viewed image after image of Gia on line. She was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I thought she was way prettier than Angelina Jolie. She had a natural raw beauty. She didn’t even need make up. I could see the pain in her eyes as they pierced through the computer looking back at me. Her eyes were just as dark as her hair. Each picture was more stunning and mesmerizing than the last. She was edgy yet vulnerable. I was completely infatuated. I texted my Aunt Eileen “have you ever met Gia Carangie?” and she wrote back “Yep, I waited on her when I bartended in Center City” Oh My God! I’m so jealous! I so wish I was born 10 years earlier. I just know I would have met her. I started to think there is something wrong with me. I am 40 years old. Why am I so obsessed with this person? This is Nancy Spungen all over again but ten times worse. Then I came across message boards and on-line forums about Gia and saw that there are others out there just as obsessed - -even more so. Ok I’m normal.
Then I Googled “Where is Gia Carangie buried” and came across a website “Find a Grave” and there it was; the location of Gia’s burial site – Sunset Memorial Park, Feasterville, PA. She was about 20 miles from my house. I had to go pay my respects and the sooner the better. I felt so lucky that Gia was laid to rest practically in my back yard. I wanted to go so bad. I felt so drawn. I had to go tell this beautiful tormented soul that she is loved. She didn’t truly feel loved in life; she needed to know her legacy lives on. People love her. People to this day are enamored by her. People who weren’t even alive during her time are drawn to her. I hope she knows there is a Gia Carangie Foundation and her dying wish to educate children about drugs and HIV/AIDS has come to fruition. There is good work being done in her name. She needs to know this so she can sleep in peace. I immediately put in for a day off. I was going to Gia’s grave and I couldn’t wait.
BUT.....it didn't stop there. I started Googling "Where is this one buried" and "Where is that one buried" and I began to make a list. My obsession for Gia and need to go visit her grave parlayed into a whole new hobby - - Seeking the Dead. I discovered there a so many famous people buried in and around Philadelphia so why stop at my family and my beloved Gia and Nancy? I want to see as many people as I can cover in this area. And why stop there? I'm going to travel to pay my respects to other famous people with fascinating stories. So with that I began to make lists and plan out my visits.
Seeking Gia -
The weather forecast was showing rain for the next 10 days. I already put in for next Tuesday off. I’m going no matter rain or shine. I started to get a little nervous about the whole thing. Is what I’m doing disrespectful? What would her family members say about strangers visiting her grave? But it wasn’t about being disrespectful. I want to pay homage to her. I want to pay my respects. This is how we all live on – being thought about, pondered over, read about, prayed about –all of that energy keeps us alive. And the more people who know about Gia the more alive she will be.
I had plans to go to Atlantic City that Saturday night with Kevin (my husband) for a night of drinks, dinner, dancing and fun but I was actually more excited to go to visit Gia’s grave site on Tuesday. I did think of Gia while I was in Atlantic City of course. I told my husband all about the time Gia had spent in AC. It was probably more like hell on earth for her. It was her last moments before she went into the hospital to die. She was doing more drugs than ever and getting beaten up and raped by drug dealers; all the while suffering with HIV. How can anyone hurt this beautiful soul? How dare these scumbags harm a hair on her head?
Tuesday morning came and it was the day to go see Gia. I dragged Kevin along with me. He was actually happy to go. He was quite helpful too. I went on line Monday night and wrote down directions to the cemetery. Kevin navigated using my handwritten notes and a map of the cemetery on my phone. I started getting butterflies in my stomach as we were driving through the cemetery. There was a man and woman and their dog visiting a grave to the left of the entrance. I wondered if they were visiting Gia and thinking that dog better not pee or shit on her grave. But we weren’t quite near her section yet. Then I saw section M to my right and my husband said “stop the car she is right here.”
I got so nervous and excited at the same time. What if someone in her family came up while I was here? Would they be angry or are they used to strangers visiting their loved one? I saw an old man standing about 30 feet from the street and I was hoping he wasn’t visiting Gia. We got out of the car and I grabbed the shells that I had painted for her out of my purse. I wanted to leave something that wouldn’t blow away in the wind and that symbolized peace and tranquility. So I painted a small conch shell and a small scallop shell to read “RIP Gia” and “Love on Ya.” We started walking on the grass and I made a bee line right for a grave that had a big flower arrangement on it. I told Kevin that was the grave because it had the biggest flower arrangement. It had to be Gia. She was the most special person in the cemetery. I got up to the marker and it was not her. Then my husband shouted to me that he found her. I turned around and I was surprised at the location. It was so close to the road. I pictured her to be in the middle of the field. I quickly walked over and there it was “Gia M. Carangie; Beloved Daughter.”
I felt an instant connection… a strange energy. Maybe it was just the heebie jeebies. It was so quiet. Then a sense of sorrow washed over me. Something was not right. There were no flowers, notes, trinkets, yellow roses, nothing. I couldn’t believe it. I just kept saying “why is there nothing here? Is there nobody visiting her?” Kevin kept telling me that the grounds keepers probably clean the stuff up after a week or so and that perhaps they put it somewhere for the families. But it didn’t make sense to me. There were markers all over the cemetery with Easter bunnies and Easter flowers. Easter was a few weeks ago. Why did these people have stuff on their burial sites and sweet beloved Gia had nothing?!
I stood there and stared down at the marker and just thought about Gia’s life. I talked to my husband about how she was a tormented soul who self-medicated to ease the pain. How she was so young and beautiful and I hope she is in peace. The surroundings were very peaceful. Everything was so green and scenic. The trees were old and with long roots and big thick twisting branches that intertwined with each other. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It was really quite beautiful and serene. I put the shells I painted under her marker and sat quietly for a little while and continued to think about Gia. I felt so sad for her life. I wish there was some way she could have been saved.
I then told myself that she had so many visitors on Easter that the groundskeeper had to remove all of the flowers, and notes and other memorials that were left for her. It was taking attention away from the other sites and their families may not like that. I know people visit Gia all of the time. They had to. So many others are in love with her. I didn’t want to leave but Kevin said “look how close it is and now that you know where she is you can always come back.” He was right as always. I will go back. And I will always leave something there to let the world know this beautiful girl is loved.
